In memory of my beloved son, Caleb Low Yu Heng.. Grief in devastation

My 1st time writing a blog.. Never ever thought I would have the time and effort to create a blog. But Caleb's departure gave me the determination to pen down all my thoughts abt him, b4 my vivid memory of him goes down the memory lane. Will he ever fade away from my mind? I surely hope not but I just hope to jot down as much as I could remember.. In memory of my beloved son, Caleb Low Yu Heng..

12 Jan (Sat):

Ivan was not feeling well that few days so I went for my gynae checkup alone. It was 9 in the morning when I reached the clinic for a glucose tolerance test. Waited till 10+am to c Dr. YY Tan. As usual, she'll ask me a few routine qns b4 the ultrascan. I thought it was just a normal day.

She scanned my tummy.. I saw his face, his right hand just beneath his face.. seems soundly asleep. Next.. Dr. Tan scanned for his heart. Yes, we both saw his heart but it was motionless.

"Did you really feel his movement these few days?" Dr. Tan asked.

"Erm.. I.. I could feel some pain in my womb yest night.." I was dumbstruck for words to ans to her qns. I tried to think very hard.. when was the last time I felt his movement?

Next moment, she told me to go for an urgent scan @ East Shore Hospital for a second opinion. I did. I drove there, despite my poor sense of direction. Made an U-turn as I almost went crazy. Finally reached the hospital but was not in the right frame to park the car. I forgot how many times I reversed and forwarded the car.. I just remembered I broke down into tears, got down the car and got another driver to park my car instead.

I waited half an hr plus for my turn. It was then that I called Ivan up and told him the shocking news. He hurried over in a cab.

"Koh Ying Sin.." My name was called and I went into the ultrascan room, really hoping and praying hard that my son is still alive..

"Now I want you to stop breathing while I scan for his heartbeat."

"... ... ... ..."

My heart went dead instantly. He's dead. My son is dead. He's already 25+weeks.. Just 10+ weeks more and he'll be able to see this world.. Why must such unlucky thing happen to me? Why?!! It is so cruel..

I walked out of the room. I saw Ivan. I went up to him and burst into tears of deep bitter sorrows..

"He's dead.." I cried bitterly in despair. "Our son is dead.."

We went back to the clinic. Dr. Tan said no point to continue the pregnancy so I have to terminate the pregnancy on Monday. She said to induce the baby.. wouldn't need any surgery, normal delivery as baby is still small. We've just have to accept the cruel reality.. the loss of our son overnight.