In memory of my beloved son, Caleb Low Yu Heng.. Unforgettable delivery

14 Jan (Mon):

Woke up @ 7am for a bath b4 going to hospital. These few days, things have been rumbling thru my mind.. I felt such a failure as a mother.. How can I neglect my son? How can I not monitor his fetal movement? I must admit, I was occupied with school work daily that I did not place much emphasis in monitoring his kicks. I was too complacent.. The week b4, his kicks were still so strong. Who knows..

Ivan accompanied me to the hospital.. I went for a blood test b4 going to the ward. I was fearful.. fearful of the labour pain and the wait.. the wait for him to be out. Ivan had a meeting that day so he went off to work @ 9+am.

Dr. Tan came @ about 10+am and told me the nurses will put in the medicine @ 3-hours interval to stimulate contraction. She said to let the foetus come out naturally. Since baby is small, there won't be any cuts. No surgery needed and delivery will be in the ward itself. Then she left.

11am - the nurse came in. She gave me the 1st dose. I waited.. The nurse told me to inform them if I need the painkillers. I thought, let me suffer the pain as a form of compensation to Caleb.. as a mother who'll experience the labour pain of delivering her child.

I want Caleb to know that his mother will always remember him.. always love him, remember this day of grief and sorrow, remember his existence and forgive his mother for not being able to let him have a look at this beautiful world.

The pain came on and off.. Bcos of the medication, I reacted to it - 3 diahorreas which took away all my strength mentally and physically. 2nd dose came at 2pm. By 4pm, I knew I would not be able to bear with the pain.. It was excruciating painful as compared to my 1st labour pain. I called the nurse. I told her the pain was already very frequent and asked when will baby be out. She said it'll be like passing motion. Of cos I know, not as if I've never given birth b4.

I endured and endured.. I forced myself not to ask for painkillers. That moment, I thought I'm not going to survive.

@ 5pm, the nurse came in to give me the 3rd dose. I was then emotionally exhausted.. I asked for painkillers. I told her there's no need for the 3rd dose but I NEED painkillers desperately. She insisted on giving me the 3rd dose b4 she get the painkillers. Instantly, I gave up "begging" her.

She went out of the ward. I could sense baby coming out. Help! URGH.. Pain! I grabbed the bed handles and forced myself to push Caleb out. There's no assistance.. no nurse, no doc.. just me alone in the ward. After about 5 pushes, he's out. I really felt instant relief. The induced process without painkillers is truly beyond imagination. I was so weak to move or talk, for the 3 diahorreas really emptied my stomach, depleting all my energy.

A few mins later, the nurses came in to clear up everything. I was told by my sibs not to see baby's face but I took a peep when they picked him up. I only saw his back view.

It was evening time ard 7+pm that my gynae came over and gave me a review. I was then half hearted, thinking whether to have a last look of my child b4 they dispose of his body. I convinced myself, what more can a mother ask for.. to see her son one last time? Do I want to live with regrets, not knowing how my son looks like? My sister discouraged me from seeing. She's worried I might not be able to take it.

I was at a total loss.. I can't make up my mind so I decided to message Ivan for his opinion. His reply.. "See lor.. So that you will have no regrets.." He encouraged me to see Caleb for the last time. For that moment, I was glad that Ivan supported me. He understands me well..

I finally made my decision. I do not want to live with regrets. I want to see my son for the last time. The nurse took Caleb to me. His body was black, and limps were flimsy. He's so tiny, so fragile. There's some resemblance to his sister.. his nose and mouth. This is heartbreaking cos I've always hope to have my children looking alike.

B4 I said goodbye to my child and bid him farewell, I took a photo of him, for I do not wish to forget his looks. I dun care what others will say.. What suay or not auspicious.. Since I was not able to get him a death cert, the least I could do is to have his photo as a memory. I'm sure Caleb would want his mother to remember him eternally. Let's pray and hope that he'll rest in peace.