A date to remember..

10 Jan - The date my twin sister passed away when she was two..

10 Jan - A possible date that my son stopped his heartbeat..

10 Jan - This date of remembrance.. My love for them will never cease.

今天是我的生日，不过感觉缺少了些什么--宇恒的存在。

Been trying for another child since the miscarriage but it just seems like everything’s meant to be. Friends around got pregnant.. Delivered.. But I’m still trying. Months and months of anticipation always resulted in months and months of heart wrecking aches. The more I hope for, the more disappointed I get. So why hope?

难道一切真的命运中自有安排？什么渴望、奢求，都只是单方面的想法。老天爷要给你的，就会给你。

EDD - 22 Apr 2008

If Caleb's still around, he should be out by now.. enjoying all the love and attention bestow upon him.

This instant, I should be doing my confinement with everlasting joy. I could have been a proud mother of two.

A pity heaven took Caleb away from me..

Que sera sera..

Que sera sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera
What will be, will be

人世间所有的喜怒哀乐、悲欢离合，上天自有安排。
总之，一切都是命中注定。

How to react?

Yesterday, I was seated on a sofa, nearly falling asleep. Chloe suddenly came up to me, pointed at my tummy and said, "Baby."

I was then awakened by what Chloe said. Next moment, she lifted my top slightly and kissed my tummy. Her tiny hand stroke my tummy while saying "Saiyang.." All these little acts were what we taught her when I was still expecting Caleb. This reminded me the day before I induced Caleb, she did exactly the same thing.

Looking at her innocent expression, I was instantly at a loss. How am I supposed to react? It has been 2 months plus since my tummy "disappeared". Is she still expecting a baby brother to join our family? What should I say to her? What can I say to her?

Practically nothing..

I droppped my tears in school..

I've always thought I've been emotionally strong in school. I failed eventually. I finally broke down into tears at my work desk yesterday.

A colleague came by my seat. She saw Chloe's baby photo and commented, "Oh so that's your younger one." I was kinda shocked by her question. Perhaps she wasn't aware.

"Erm.. no." I replied.

"Oh the elder one. Then the younger one?" She asked again.

"I had a miscarriage.." After such an answer, I could see her "oops" look. She just mentioned that my girl is cute, then she walked away.

For that instant, I felt so sad. My heart was seriously aching. By right, next week should be my last week in school, then I'll go for my maternity leave. The next moment, I could feel my tears rolling down my cheeks. I couldn't control my tears anymore.

＊＊＊

Last week, I did something silly. I was at Orchard for my lasik review. After which, I took a walk in Taka. Went to the baby fair and saw some really beautiful baby boys' wear. I couldn't control my love for the clothes so end up, I bought 3 sets, despite knowing that the sets would not be handy now.

Actually I would really like to go to the Babycare Festival held at Expo these few days but yesterday what Ivan said (You have a baby meh?) struck me.. Yah.. I lost my baby boy. There's no need for me to go there. Should have stop all my foolish acts.

今天在回家途中，远远就认出几个曾经教过的学生。还听到其中一个对同伴们轻声说道：“喂，许老师耶。她不是怀孕了吗？怎么肚子变小去？”

＊＊＊

其实，这几个星期来，我始终无法释怀。尽管你看到我的嬉皮笑脸，可我的心一直都在下雪。时不时，我还是会忍不住放声哀号。

我真的很舍不得…很舍不得…不过又能如何？失去的根本无法再拥有。

看着同事们的肚子越来越大，不禁会想：

如果宇恒还在我的肚子里，我的肚子也有那么大了。
再多几个星期，家里就添多一个家庭成员了…好期待！
宇萱感觉到弟弟的存在，不知道会有什么反应。
要是宇恒的出生日期和姐姐的相同，那会是多有趣的一件事！
家里有了两个小孩，将来的日子一定会更精彩！

我的期待、我的兴奋…可惜…没了。

＊＊＊

是，活在回忆里是痛苦的。那又何必呢？我当然知道要看开，要面对未来，不要难过，不要再哭泣了…这些人生大道理谁不知道啊！

事实就是那么残酷的。每天面对的人与事，逼迫我分分钟去思念宇恒。我真的放不下这个心中的牵挂。不知道他现在过得好不好？不知道他会不会怨我？

失去宇恒是我这一辈子的遗憾…毕竟我的骨肉看不见天日。他无法享有每个宝宝都应该有的呵护。他死了。他就这样死了。

-_-

Have been feeling blue these few days. Having the sudden urge to burst into tears, especially when I am alone. I duno y but my eyes will just get watery all of a sudden.

A group of pupils asked me today, whether I've delivered a boy or a girl. I hesitated and replied "Boy" with a strained smile. Hearing the applauses of the pupils.. Seeing the smile on their faces.. I can only turn around and walk away.

A month ago, Caleb was still in my womb.

Really missed the period of pregnancy.. So much so that I keep staring at any pregnant lady whom I spot. Yes.. I’m literally STARING at their bulging tummies. I will be filled with envy the moment my eyes set on them. Sometimes it really makes me ponder if I am sick in the mind.. or is it natural for someone who has just lost her son?

Many who have read this blog are worried for me.. wondering if I am fine cos I seem so depressed. Thank you my friends, I am really ok. Not saying that I have fully recovered from the loss cos I never will. @ times when I think of Caleb, my heart will ache as I know I'll never ever find this missing jigsaw piece anymore..

But reality sets in.. life has to continue on so whatever it is, I'll have to look ahead and move on. I'll be back @ work this week so hopefully I am able to keep myself mentally occupied.

Perhaps only when I am pregnant again, then I will feel comforted.

Sleepless night..

Did not sleep well yesterday.. Really missed Caleb. I guess my only way to relieve grief is to see his photo to get comfort. Indeed, Caleb resembles his sister.. This really makes me feel extremely sour inside.

Lying down on my bed.. Thinking of my confinement now - Others doing confinement with such a delight.. Mine is such a sorrow..

Gazing at Caleb's photo but not being able to relate any sound to him.. for he was born with no cries. He seems soundly asleep.. Deep deep asleep in his dreamland..

Logically, I know everything has to be kept in a memorial box.. not to mention it, not to dwell on it.. But I just can't bear to forget him.

I know for the rest of my life, there'll be times when I'll be feeling blue.. To want to be alone and mourn for my son. Caleb.. Mummy truly misses you a lot..

Home & to start afresh..

15 Jan (Tue):

Left the hospital and headed home.. My sister asked me if I've left anything behind in the hospital. I replied, "My son".

When we reached home, I printed Caleb's photo, placed it in an envelope and wrote him a note.. a genuine mother's love note. Everything was sealed in the envelope and put away in a box with other hospital related things.

I told myself to let go.. Whatever happens ahead of us, we have to take it to our stride. Remember life still goes on.. I need to move on and look forward to having more children in future. I know I am a logical person and I can surely manage my emotions well. I will..

Caleb will always be a part of the Low family.. I'll definitely mention his existence to his siblings in future. I'll treasure precious memories of Caleb, never to abandon him in my memory. Rest in peace my son, Caleb Low Yu Heng.

In memory of my beloved son, Caleb Low Yu Heng.. Unforgettable delivery

14 Jan (Mon):

Woke up @ 7am for a bath b4 going to hospital. These few days, things have been rumbling thru my mind.. I felt such a failure as a mother.. How can I neglect my son? How can I not monitor his fetal movement? I must admit, I was occupied with school work daily that I did not place much emphasis in monitoring his kicks. I was too complacent.. The week b4, his kicks were still so strong. Who knows..

Ivan accompanied me to the hospital.. I went for a blood test b4 going to the ward. I was fearful.. fearful of the labour pain and the wait.. the wait for him to be out. Ivan had a meeting that day so he went off to work @ 9+am.

Dr. Tan came @ about 10+am and told me the nurses will put in the medicine @ 3-hours interval to stimulate contraction. She said to let the foetus come out naturally. Since baby is small, there won't be any cuts. No surgery needed and delivery will be in the ward itself. Then she left.

11am - the nurse came in. She gave me the 1st dose. I waited.. The nurse told me to inform them if I need the painkillers. I thought, let me suffer the pain as a form of compensation to Caleb.. as a mother who'll experience the labour pain of delivering her child.

I want Caleb to know that his mother will always remember him.. always love him, remember this day of grief and sorrow, remember his existence and forgive his mother for not being able to let him have a look at this beautiful world.

The pain came on and off.. Bcos of the medication, I reacted to it - 3 diahorreas which took away all my strength mentally and physically. 2nd dose came at 2pm. By 4pm, I knew I would not be able to bear with the pain.. It was excruciating painful as compared to my 1st labour pain. I called the nurse. I told her the pain was already very frequent and asked when will baby be out. She said it'll be like passing motion. Of cos I know, not as if I've never given birth b4.

I endured and endured.. I forced myself not to ask for painkillers. That moment, I thought I'm not going to survive.

@ 5pm, the nurse came in to give me the 3rd dose. I was then emotionally exhausted.. I asked for painkillers. I told her there's no need for the 3rd dose but I NEED painkillers desperately. She insisted on giving me the 3rd dose b4 she get the painkillers. Instantly, I gave up "begging" her.

She went out of the ward. I could sense baby coming out. Help! URGH.. Pain! I grabbed the bed handles and forced myself to push Caleb out. There's no assistance.. no nurse, no doc.. just me alone in the ward. After about 5 pushes, he's out. I really felt instant relief. The induced process without painkillers is truly beyond imagination. I was so weak to move or talk, for the 3 diahorreas really emptied my stomach, depleting all my energy.

A few mins later, the nurses came in to clear up everything. I was told by my sibs not to see baby's face but I took a peep when they picked him up. I only saw his back view.

It was evening time ard 7+pm that my gynae came over and gave me a review. I was then half hearted, thinking whether to have a last look of my child b4 they dispose of his body. I convinced myself, what more can a mother ask for.. to see her son one last time? Do I want to live with regrets, not knowing how my son looks like? My sister discouraged me from seeing. She's worried I might not be able to take it.

I was at a total loss.. I can't make up my mind so I decided to message Ivan for his opinion. His reply.. "See lor.. So that you will have no regrets.." He encouraged me to see Caleb for the last time. For that moment, I was glad that Ivan supported me. He understands me well..

I finally made my decision. I do not want to live with regrets. I want to see my son for the last time. The nurse took Caleb to me. His body was black, and limps were flimsy. He's so tiny, so fragile. There's some resemblance to his sister.. his nose and mouth. This is heartbreaking cos I've always hope to have my children looking alike.

B4 I said goodbye to my child and bid him farewell, I took a photo of him, for I do not wish to forget his looks. I dun care what others will say.. What suay or not auspicious.. Since I was not able to get him a death cert, the least I could do is to have his photo as a memory. I'm sure Caleb would want his mother to remember him eternally. Let's pray and hope that he'll rest in peace.

In memory of my beloved son, Caleb Low Yu Heng.. Grief in devastation

My 1st time writing a blog.. Never ever thought I would have the time and effort to create a blog. But Caleb's departure gave me the determination to pen down all my thoughts abt him, b4 my vivid memory of him goes down the memory lane. Will he ever fade away from my mind? I surely hope not but I just hope to jot down as much as I could remember.. In memory of my beloved son, Caleb Low Yu Heng..

12 Jan (Sat):

Ivan was not feeling well that few days so I went for my gynae checkup alone. It was 9 in the morning when I reached the clinic for a glucose tolerance test. Waited till 10+am to c Dr. YY Tan. As usual, she'll ask me a few routine qns b4 the ultrascan. I thought it was just a normal day.

She scanned my tummy.. I saw his face, his right hand just beneath his face.. seems soundly asleep. Next.. Dr. Tan scanned for his heart. Yes, we both saw his heart but it was motionless.

"Did you really feel his movement these few days?" Dr. Tan asked.

"Erm.. I.. I could feel some pain in my womb yest night.." I was dumbstruck for words to ans to her qns. I tried to think very hard.. when was the last time I felt his movement?

Next moment, she told me to go for an urgent scan @ East Shore Hospital for a second opinion. I did. I drove there, despite my poor sense of direction. Made an U-turn as I almost went crazy. Finally reached the hospital but was not in the right frame to park the car. I forgot how many times I reversed and forwarded the car.. I just remembered I broke down into tears, got down the car and got another driver to park my car instead.

I waited half an hr plus for my turn. It was then that I called Ivan up and told him the shocking news. He hurried over in a cab.

"Koh Ying Sin.." My name was called and I went into the ultrascan room, really hoping and praying hard that my son is still alive..

"Now I want you to stop breathing while I scan for his heartbeat."

"... ... ... ..."

My heart went dead instantly. He's dead. My son is dead. He's already 25+weeks.. Just 10+ weeks more and he'll be able to see this world.. Why must such unlucky thing happen to me? Why?!! It is so cruel..

I walked out of the room. I saw Ivan. I went up to him and burst into tears of deep bitter sorrows..

"He's dead.." I cried bitterly in despair. "Our son is dead.."

We went back to the clinic. Dr. Tan said no point to continue the pregnancy so I have to terminate the pregnancy on Monday. She said to induce the baby.. wouldn't need any surgery, normal delivery as baby is still small. We've just have to accept the cruel reality.. the loss of our son overnight.